DEAR GOD...... (HUMOR)

[Killer Instinct]

Dear God:

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a GOOD DOG:

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

[snips]

[Sharon]

ROFLMBO

[pstrman]

That is one of the funniest things ever!

[zodiakgsps]

a couple more....

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
coffee table.
_________________________________________________________________
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under
the
bed.
______________________________________________________________

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet
in the house when I am about to get sick.
___________________________________________________________________
I will not throw up in the car
__________________________________________________________________
I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them
in the backyard after processing.
___________________________________________________________________

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
__________________________________________________________________

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
____________________________________________________________________

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my
people will think I am hemorrhaging.

_____________________________________________________________________

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down
when it's raining outside.
_____________________________________________________________________
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

____________________________________________________________________

I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it
______________________________________________________________________
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
_____________________________________________________________________

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for dad's driver's license and car registration.
______________________________________________________________________________________

I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
____________________________________________________________________________________

I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.

[zodiakgsps]

> Dear Dogs,
>
> The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
>
> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
>
>
> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
> It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
>
> For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, bark, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine attendance is not required.
>
>
> The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butts. I cannot stress this enough!
>
> To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
>
> To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
>
> 1. They live here. You don't.
>
> 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "FUR"niture.
>
> 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
>
> 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
>
> Remember...
>
> Dogs are better than kids because they:
>
> 1. Eat less
> 2 Don't ask for money all the time
> 3. Are easier to train
> 4. Normally come when called
> 5. Never ask to drive the car
> 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
> 7. Don't smoke or drink
> 8. Don't want to wear your clothes
> 9. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college,
> and...
>
> 10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

[Killer Instinct]

Last night the part where "rolling toys under refridgerator, couch, etc..." happens ALL the time & they sit there & WHINE, WHINE, WHINE - especially if it's a darn treat or a freakin' bone.... & it ALWAYS happens when you right in the middle of something important!!!!

[Russmill84]

How about this that happened to me a while back.

If I sleep with you on the bed I will sleep under the covers or not sleep under the covers. I will NOT chew a whole in the comforter to sleep inside of it, and think that is the perfect median.

[Ditch__Parrot]